Attached

By: Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller

Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller wrote the book Attached and was published last December 2010. This book tells readers that being attached to our partners is a basic human need. That we must find someone to be attached to be happy and fulfilled in life. Even if being linked involves being reliant on someone, it makes us stronger and more secure in the long run. This book provides a scientific explanation for why some relationships prosper and follow a clear path across a lifetime. Others crash and burn. This is based on the human need for attachment and the three various kinds of it.

 

Love and science go hand in hand. It’s a jumble of topics. Some claim it’s all a load of nonsense. Others swear by physical measurements and personality exams.

 

You can’t help but agree that what Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller outline in Attached. It sounds extremely rational. And it also makes a lot of sense, no matter which side of the spectrum you fall on.

 

Attached looks into why we as humans want to form profound bonds with other people. This means through mother-child or romantic relationships.

 

Here are some of the lessons that will help you improve your relationships:

 

  1. Everyone (including you!) requires attachment to live a healthy and happy life.

When you were a kid, do you feel scared whenever you wake up from your afternoon nap and don’t see your mom around you?

Being attached to your parents is the reason why. Attachment is a deep link that develops through time and causes us to feel compelled to keep in touch.

It’s like the mother-child relationship or the romantic relationship between two adults. The need to be linked to someone is a genetic trait that we all have, and it has a lot of advantages.

Being in a relationship provides us with a firmer emotional foundation on which to stand. It makes us more resilient to stress. In the same way, being in a poor relationship can make you sick.

 

  1. Which of these attachment styles are you? The three types of attachments are described.

Rachel Heller and Amir Levine identified three distinct attachment styles. Some of these complement each other more than others. They are as follows:

  • Anxious
    • Want and have the ability to be really close
    • Fear that your partner doesn’t desire the same thing.
    • Become overly connected (too) quickly
    • Relationships consume a lot of your time and energy.
    • Very attentive to the feelings of one’s partner
    • Early detection of moods. But they are frequently incorrect (albeit they are more accurate if they avoid overreacting).
    • Have a lot of negative emotions
    • Misbehave and utter things you’ll come to regret.
    • You have the impression that there is something wrong with them.

 

It’s worth noting, though, that if your partner gives all of the protection and reassurance. Anxious people will lose most of their fears. As a result, Secure is best for worried people.

  • Secure
    • Warm and loving by nature
    • Take pleasure in the connection.
    • Relationship’s ups and downs don’t bother you.
    • Communicate needs clearly.
    • Have a realistic view of blame and are good at supporting the partner

 

  • Avoidant
    • Puts freedom and autonomy first and foremost.
    • Desires to be close but are uncomfortable with too much intimacy.
    • Not concerned about the ups and downs in the relationship.
    • Doesn’t open up what they feel
    • It isn’t possible to open it.
    • Worried that the relationship is turning into a “cage”
    • Has an “ideal true love” that they never meet
    • Believes there is something wrong with the partners they are with.
    • Tends to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships.

 

  1. Effective communication is the best approach to ensure that you will be happy in your relationship.

It is hard for an Anxious person to date an Avoidant person. If one person in the relationship is Secure, the relationship will work.

Effective communication is one way to make everything a lot easier for both of you. Tell your partner your concerns and you’ll feel better. In that way, your partner won’t overthink what is wrong with you.

Another way to know if your partner is the one for you is to tell each other your expectations. After that, figure out together if both of you agree with it or can fulfill it.

Express your problems with each other without pointing fingers.  Communicating effectively will lessen misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger, resentment, or confusion.

 

 

About the Authors

Image Source: Book Passage

Amir Levine, M.D. is an adult, child, and adolescent psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He graduated from the residency program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University. For the past few years, Amir has been conducting neuroscience research at Columbia. The research was under the mentorship of Nobel Prize Laureate Eric Kandel. Amir also has a passion for working with patients and it is in this context. He was working with mothers and children in a therapeutic nursery. This is where he first discovered the power of attachment theory. His clinical work together with his deep understanding of the brain from a neuroscientist’s perspective has a big contribution. It contributes to his appreciation of attachment theory and its remarkable effectiveness in helping to heal patients. Amir lives in New York City.

 

Rachelle Heller has always been interested in human behavior and culture. 

  • Daughter of two university professors—a historian and a political scientist.
  • Spent her childhood in different countries including the U.S., England, and Israel. 
  • With this early experience and her keen interest in diverse cultures, Rachel became an avid traveler.
  • She spends long periods of time in different countries.  Countries such as India, Indonesia, the Philippines, Uganda, Kenya, Madagascar, and Pakistan. She trekked in the high Himalayas. She’s learning about the local traditions, hiking, and exploring.
  • Rachel holds a B.A. degree in Behavioral Sciences (Psychology, Anthropology, and Sociology). She has an M.A. degree in Social-Organizational Psychology from Columbia University.
  • After completing her Masters, she worked for several management consulting firms. PriceWaterhouseCoopers, KPMG Consulting, and Towers Perrin, where she managed high-profile clients.
  • Rachel worked for the Educational Psychology Service in Modi’in before moving to San Francisco. She helped families, couples, and children to improve their relationships and lives.

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Quiz

Take this quiz to determine your own (and your partner’s) attachment style:

Attached Compatibility Quiz

Books by the Author

Other Books by Amir Levine, M.D.: 

  • 3 Books Collection Set: Attached, Insecure In Love, Love Me Don’t Leave Me
  • Maneras de amar: La nueva ciencia del apego adulto y cómo puede ayudarte a encontrar el amor y conservarlo
  • How the Pill Changes Everything and Attached 2 Books Collection Set
  • Dimmi come ami e ti dirò chi sei. Come riconoscere quello giusto e soprattutto come tenertelo

Other Books by Rachelle Heller: 

  • Logoworlds
  • Bits ‘n bytes about computing
  • ALEF BASIC: A Guide to BASIC Programming with Facts, Fun, and Games
  • FORWARD to Professorship in STEM: Inclusive Faculty Development Strategies That Work
  • Proceedings of the 2001 EC/NSF Workshop on Universal Accessibility of Ubiquitous Computing: Providing for the Elderly
  • Bits ‘n Bytes Gazette
  • Bible BASIC: Beginning Lessons in Computer BASIC Using Bible Illustrations
  • Bits ‘n Bytes about Computing for Everyone 
 

Source: Attached

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